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Thursday, May 15th, 2008
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12:19 am
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why is it that doing well in the outside world seems to create so much despair on the inside?
i can live with the fact that most of my life experiences and responsibilities come at the cost of my emotional health, but i can't seem to cope with the insecurities.
i'm just tired of having to use my imagination as a crutch. i'm tired of being right, but lacking the ability to prove it to anyone but myself. in fact, the mere process of explaining it seems to destroy it.
at least the migraine went away. and i get hugs on a regular basis.
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| Tuesday, May 13th, 2008
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1:28 pm
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precognitive regret.
the best thing i could do is the last thing i wanted to do. because it means that albeit i may gain from fate, i have surrendered my independence and have lost the will to combat the cyclical patterns of inevitability and human fallibility.
not only are the experiences and sensations imaginary, but so are the means to communicate them.
for most people, there is little discord between their wants and needs. there is no need to pretend, to act out. few have to hear, "smile! your life depends on it."
i'm going to have to bury myself, deeper than what is expressed in these meatless writings. i am going to have to lie to myself, and then lie about how much it hurts. i am going to do these things to achieve a realistic position to tell the truth, and allow others the same.
it's a consequence of time, and of the fact that what i think and feel contradicts that of those whose trust i have to earn, whose feelings i have to respect, if i want my own vision to flourish. especially since it falters often even in my own heart.
and that's why i'm always melancholy and distanced. i can't give the specifics, because then one can use them against me, to argue and easily defeat myself and my purpose. like searching for shadows by sunlight.
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10:18 am
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emily took me home last night. i invited her in for blueberry pancakes. and then we snuggled and she shared some things with me, some pretty serious secrets.
and in hindsight, after the morning coffees and the kiss goodbye. i guess i should've known. you hear the same story often enough, you begin to internalize it. it becomes your own mystery, and to be honest, it feels sometimes like work, a reluctantly chosen career.
is it the scenarios i'm supposed to focus on, or the individuals? just what the hell is going on?
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| Sunday, May 11th, 2008
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11:49 pm
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BLANK.
haven't finished writing letter to julia. haven't finished the 4-5 stories in my head currently. haven't finished the carl jung book. haven't ridden my bike. haven't figured out my future. i haven't came when i was with her.
i have decided...nothing.
i am feeling a little codependent. i brought this upon myself. and i'm insecure about the vagaries of silently expressed facial gestures. but when the things you do and say to cope with loneliness turn out to make you a (somewhat) interesting person, you're kind of at a loss when you suddenly find yourself not feeling that way anymore. even if it's apparent that you are still in fact, alone.
i guess i just get used to things really quickly. i hide everything about myself, and then flaunt it in a continually misunderstood sarcasm. it's how you lie, how you obfuscate, by telling the truth, but by being someone who cannot be taken seriously.
and the truth is that i am completely malleable. i am without form, i am the affect, and the symptom. so when you cut through the neurotic manifestations, you will find that the lushness is pumped via spray nozzle, the birds have been recorded in front of a live studio audience, and the trees have been lovingly handpainted by teenagers whose apathy only mirrors the opportunities their affluence provides.
most importantly, when you look closely at me, you will find nothing there.
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| Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
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12:46 am
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the short story:
crust punk faerie princess came over, we talked nonstop for hours, through the movie i put on, until the sun came up.
we spent the morning catching catnaps in each others arms between the fastidiousness moments when we explored each other's bodies.
i made her coffee again in the morning, she took a shower, i gave her a shirt of mine before she drove to work. hopefully she made it on time. was going to call but it slipped my mind, as i spent the rest of today cooking, cleaning, and watching twin peaks with the lindurr. upon reflection it may have seemed possessive, as if i was anticipating something official.
maybe i might've came across as being a little full of myself, but it's hard not to gush and be a showboat with someone so enthralling.
she was a little funky, i'll admit. but dammit, she smelled like a woman. maybe all those biologists who talk of pheromones were telling the truth. in a moment of vulnerability and foolishness i said she smelled like whisky. and i was right...there was strength and a complex mix of visceral and ethereal harmonies, all delivered with an intoxicating overture every time her lithe hands went up the back of my head as she kissed me. from each hollow and curve of her sinewed body she atomized a sensual fuel that was cool to the tongue, but set the rest of me on fire. i could feel it in my blood, and once absorbed by my muscle tissue, i felt possessed by an intense velocity, like the smoldering inertia of a cannonball.
i hope she fucking kills me. i hope she lures me in, dominating the weakness of my genetic imperative. i hope she ties me down and throws lit firecrackers at me. it's only fair that she lets fate run its course.
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| Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
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12:42 am
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crust punk faerie princess just called me, she's coming over to hang out. i'm like a martini where the gin and vermouth have been replaced with anxiety and excitement. there's still olives though, and it's definitely dirty.
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| Monday, May 5th, 2008
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11:44 pm
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dammit, i totally missed out on cinco de mayo at holy's.
fuck man, i'm never gonna get out of this rut it seems.
but i got to ride out with danielle to centralia, pennsylvania, where for the past few decades there's been an underground coal fire burning, it completely made the town inhabitable. we walked on a stretch of highway that had been cordoned off and left to decay. it was pretty surreal, even in the daytime. kept thinking about being run off the road by speeding cars for some reason. there was some cool graffiti, and in the center there was this huge gash, where the earth opened up, it was continually venting these plumes of steam, and the ground was hot, almost like a lava field. alot of the hillside had these spots of deadwood and rocks, with demolished furniture and all these little steam vents.
most of the town had been cleaned out, there were a few houses, but you could still see most of the abandoned roads, and how wide they were cut, as if there was supposed to be a bustling small town there, instead, it was a fucking coal mine. lots of evidence of teenage shenanigans. every tree had a sign that said "stay out, stay alive. mines and quarries are not playgrounds." we were startled by kids on atvs.
i had a bland chicken sandwich in york pa.
and then i missed out on some awesome socializations. oh well, karmella's game this friday will be fun.
you know, it's one thing to be positive about what you do have, and what you do, but it's actually kind of pathetic when it's things that you should be doing anyways. like that chris rock joke about people who're proud of paying their child support.
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| Sunday, May 4th, 2008
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2:40 am
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so this is what i accomplished for my saturday evening:
i ate an entire pint of haagen-dazs chocolate ice cream.
i completed that self-scoring personality test. it divides personality into four bi-polar factors, introversion/extroversion, emotional stability, creativity, and strong mindedness. with the exception of creativity (for which i scored very high on), i was placed exactly in the average categories for each category--well, i was slightly towards the malleable side on the emotional scale, the category was labeled sympathetic.
i think the learning experience here is a) i just wasted four dollars, b) i was sorely disappointed by not having any real definition c) that trying to measure statistically oftentimes results in losing much of the context that allows the knowledge to be actively applied. while this isn't really a pass/fail test, obviously, the questions were phrased in a yes/no fashion. and alot of the implications of similar questions i had responded to in a very contradictory manner.
but i guess that's always been my trademark, an absolutely even presence of discord.
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| Saturday, May 3rd, 2008
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12:39 am
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so today, i got a raise to the amount to of one curtis jackson. that's right, i now make 9 dollars and 5 cents an hour. whoopdee fucking doo. i should be frustratedly pursuing some grandiose dream, because that's the only way this would be worthwhile.
i talked to punk rock faerie princess. i think my inherently paradoxical combination of charm and neuroticism maybe have been offputting, especially since i am so awkwardly forthright. i kinda lobbed the ball in her court, and well, i am ambivalent to say the least.
people tend to think i am relatively cynical. but that's not true. i may have a subdued tone in person, but when i talk about the variously negative turn of events i experience, it's because i'm proud of the fact that i survived it. regardless of what it is. i just fail to understand why people don't share my sense of humor. it's schadenfreude, essentially, but turned inward. and if people could see the gap between the persona and the me that actually shines through sometimes, they would understand.
anyhow, i saw iron man tonight. eh, it had potential, but the entirety of the movie was denouement and very little awesome superhero action, plus, just like that bad hulk movie (note: the new one looks pretty cool) there was no really cool villain. just jeff bridges. (he rode a fucking segway) seriously. the sad thing is that they've made enough of these to know better.
while i waited for the showtime, i perused the local megachain bookstore. i kinda was interested in the last book in the weetzie bat series, of only for the sake of completing it, but then i found the book mentioned on last night's colbert report, world made by hand. i'm kinda in to the whole "collapse of suburbia/aka america inc." thing, but i dunno, i didn't feel like spending 25 bucks on somebody trying to convince me something i already believe in.
so, i decided to make my way to the psychology and philosophy sections. oh man, i was a little scared. there was a lot of "_____ and philosophy" books. i mean, the simpsons and philosophy? eh, i can dig that if i was a bit more of a pop culture nerd. lost and philosophy? given the show's plot themes and its popularity, i guess i shouldn't've been surprised.
fucking battlestar galactica and philosophy?!!
i just don't understand why wherever there's some sort of body of knowledge that's considered esoteric or exotic by popular standards, there's a whole slew of "dumbing it down" type books and just ridiculously fantastical nonsense, and the whole "hey! let's connect it with some vaguely jingoist pop fad. that'll sell!" i've seen this shit before with astrology, but...that's kind of expected. i can't even imagine trying to learn about it seriously again. (it's actually become that way with cycling, but that's another post.)
so i was looking for kant's critique of pure reason, mainly due to the experiences related in lj by a certain ![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) flamingjune07. i dunno, she inspired my curiousity. don't really expect to understand it (i'll leave that to the experts), but i was hoping the book would give me a little humility, and a sense of appreciation. all i found was an 8 dollar paperback entitled kant in 90 minutes. which carries with it a tone that is completely the opposite of what this person's merits apparently represent. it was almost as bad as the idiot's guide to business leadership. but feel free to argue.
onward to the psychology section. eep, lot of self-help books there, nothing really technical or "textbooky," albeit i did buy a MENSA personality test for 4 dollars. (self-scoring! woo!) and finally, man and his symbols, which is apparently to carl jung what a brief history of space and time is to stephen hawking. i figured it would be a good place to start for my intellectually undisciplined ass. i almost bought chomsky, but i had this gut feeling that reading chomsky for the sake of reading chomsky would be the first step to becoming some egomaniacal pseudointellectual with no real life, no close friendships, and nothing to do except run his mouth...on...livejournal...to no one in particular.
i need a cigarette, and possibly a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. or just another cigarette. i have three days off starting sunday, i may not get to ride bikes, but i'm damned if i'm not going to do something constructive, and most importantly, completely free of the cliches that seek to entrap me.
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| Friday, May 2nd, 2008
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1:56 am
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yeah so uh, mc chris. he has a new album.
i don't think i have an accurate means of verbalizing my sense of ambivalence. so just imagine me going "um.." with a grimace and randomly moving my arms around in a stevie wonder fashion.
if being a emo/hipster/scenester/geek kid is kinda like what it used to mean to be a goth kid, then i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that mc chris is filling the role of the insane clown posse. which i am honestly going to admit this--was actually kind of cool and clever for a minute. (i can't believe i just said that.)
anyways, i also believe in 5 years i'm gonna go to a trailer park in middle river and see fixies piled up outside, with a bunch of ugly people in skinny jeans and flock of seagulls haircuts hanging around waiting to hear about the cool new viral video on youtube.
i still might see his show when he comes here in a month. ::shrugs::
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12:59 am - i'm sorry, it's a lost post.
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so i just watched the two most recent episodes. and uh...
i think benjamin linus is probably the coolest character on television. they definately showed a weaker side of him when they killed his daughter, but then he was all like "ohai smoke monster brb."
post island jack was pretty cool (and honestly, kinda inspired me to grow my beard out), but a) appendicitis as a plot device/metaphor for fear of losing control is kinda lame this late in the show, and b) the tone of his story was all "waa, i just want to be with the girl i foolishly think i love even though she's kinda flaky and the woman who loves me just took care of me."
oh well.
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| Thursday, May 1st, 2008
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9:22 pm
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today i slept until 3 pm. it would've been later, except that i had to pee. i've been drinking about a liter of water before i go to bed every night for this purpose.
however, it seems that i've been having these astounding moments of confidence and clarity at like 3 in the fucking morning. unfortunately, this area of the world is dead and the energies seem misplaced. it's not like i don't want to go out and do anything, it's just that ultimately, i feel like i'm putting off responsibilities of equal importance: to dream, and to wonder. to be worthy of the life i'm seething to have.
there is so much i want, but i want them like people want to win the lottery. there is so much i need to do, but i need them i like i need to fall asleep.
anyhow, i woke up, gave some cats a bath, and then did some serious house cleaning, after eric came home from work, i prepared delicious roasted chicken breasts chicken breasts that i marinated overnight in honey, mustard and cranberry juice. served over top of spanish rice that i modified with a little balsamic vinegar. ooh and garlic. i sauted some cloves of garlic and ate them whole.
and now i watch lost, and forget that i am exactly just as boring as you kids knew all along.
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1:24 am
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i think coffee makes me stupid. i think i need to walk out of the waking life and see where the daydreams take me. it seems i only can find beauty when i'm desperate for the distraction. i can't remember anything of the story i had in my head.
i think i need more coffee.
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| Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
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12:31 am
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i stole this from wikipedia's article for body language, as part of just general browsing around on rational explanations for psychic phenomena.
Female Interest and Body Language
Women commonly display interest in men via sexual cues. These serve to entice men to approach them. Some of the cues to signal female interest include: the parade, echoing and mirroring, room encompassing glance, pointing, leg crossing, the pointing knee, pigeon toes, neck touching, head tilt, shoulder shrugs, rotation of the pelvis, showing wrist, skirt hike, laughing and smiling, the tap, forehead bow, eye contact, touching, childlike playfulness and proximity.
The Rule of Four
The rule of four states that in order to be sure that another person is unequivocally displaying non-verbal sexual interest, four separate positive signals must be present simultaneously and they must be directed at you. A person who is simply sexually aroused might display one or a great variety of cues, but they might be generally directed toward a room and not at anyone specifically.
alright, so two things:
first of all, i really have no idea what any of this means. i don't think i've ever observed women displaying these behaviors towards me. it may be because i'm socially retarded. ...who knew?
seriously, showing wrist? the tap? room encompassing glance?!! (and what the fuck is the parade?) maybe i've been doing it wrong the whole time. that when i'm talking to someone and they start looking around the room, they really do want me in them. no no, they couldn't possibly be disinterested--it's scientific fact! the internet told me so.
A person who is simply sexually aroused might display one or a great variety of cues, but they might be generally directed toward a room and not at anyone specifically.
yeah i uh...i just want that statement to sink in.
secondly, "female interest in men." is this specifically relating to heterosexual women, or responses historically developed to attract men? like would a gay man use these same behaviors to communicate interest in another man? what happens if it's not about gender at all? what if i just wanted to hike my skirt because that girl over there is hot, and she dances just like i do?
(and i do exhibit childlike playfulness and proximity, especially since i want to fuck everyone in the room.)
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| Monday, April 28th, 2008
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2:51 am - you are the penultimate, the creaking of the icicle before it shatters at my feet
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friday, i had one hundred dollars.
today, i only have twenty.
i don't get paid until this friday. damn.
however, it's been a pretty good week, maybe i went too overboard, but uh...i dunno. i met someone. her name is emily, she's like a crust kid fairy princess. she knows who schpongle is.
i bought her a few drinks, and some nachos. she gave me a ride home. we talked like forever. maybe if i didn't have all those whiskey sours and coffee, i might've been a few bucks richer, probably wouldn't've done what i did though. at least i've got food. so much food.
now it's time for sleep.
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